The Ex And The Personal Ad I Placed For Her

By | August 3, 2005

Ok… the oldest post on this site from 2005.. but I just re-read it and cracked up…. yes, I’m evil..  Repost!

The Ex, and The Personal Ad I Placed For Her….

One night after a few beers, I noticed that the local weekly paper here in Eugene allows you to place free personal ads up to 18 words through their website. Since I was suddenly out of an almost 8 year long relationship, and the ex and I where getting along pretty well. I thought it would be a nice thing to place an ad for her in the Women Seeking Men section (funny how alcohol makes it seem like a thoughtful, nice thing).

Anyway, the ad was placed ran for 4 weeks, and got some responses. After the first few days of listening to these ads, I decided that this was the perfect anthropology experiment. Below are the results of the experiment, complete with the transcribed responses, along with my ratings of each response, and commentary from my twisted little mind.

First let me explain the ranking system a bit before we dive into this:

THE RANKING SYSTEM:

Drunk:
Was the respondent noticeably drunk when he called?

Speaks Of Endowment: Yes/No
Mentions being well hung or the size of his member.

Looking For Rebound Relationship:
Recently left a relationship and is desperate for sex.

Overall Rating:
1 through 10 … 1 is BORING.. 10 is GREAT.

Next, the most important part..

THE AD THAT WAS PLACED:

I had managed to down a few drinks before coming up with this 17 word work of art

WOMEN SEEKING MEN:
SWF 36 ISO Open Minded Well Hung Gelding. ?No Computer Geeks. ?Me: Red Hair, Newly Single, Likes outdoors, Black Dogs, Art, Willing to experiment. Let me clean your sheath. #5240

THE VOICE MAILBOX GREETING
So, I almost went into a panic when I discovered that you had to record a voice greeting that later had to be approved before you could retrieve your messages. I spent hours practicing my best woman impersonation, but it just wasn’t happening… That is UNTIL.. .. I decided to find a song. I chose the legendary punk rock band the poison girls to serve as the voice greeting. You can listen to the voice greeting here:

Luckily, it was approved and I was able to start getting messages. I think that the whole approval process was to cover their asses, they just wanted to make sure the voice greeting didn’t disclose any personal information such as address, full name or phone number, for the person placing the ads own protection.

The Overview of Results

After everything was transcribed, I was able to tally up the results in a survey like manner; here is the overview of the respondent results.

Total Number Of Respondents:
25 (100%)

Number Of Noticeably Drunk Respondents:
36% (9)

Number Of Respondents Mentioning Endowment:
44% (11)

Number Of Respondents With Sexual Horse References:
32% (8)

Number Of Respondents Who Played Recorded Music To Voice Mail:
4% (1)

Number Of Respondents Who Called More Than Once:
4% (1)

Number Of Respondents Who Spent More Than $6 On The Call:
52% (13)

Estimated Money Spent By Respondents To Respond To Ad:
Approx. $175+

THE REPSONSES

Note: There where about 4 more, that seemed boring, but I couldnt read my drunken transcription to add them to this. My comments are in italics inside the ( )’s

Mitchell

Quote:
My name is Mitchell, I’m a teacher 6ft tall, long brown hair, of mixed origin. I have a lot of experience in the saddle, trained by some — ummm — pretty good women, and I enjoy the company of women. Give me a call if your interested xxx-xxxx

Drunk: Yes
Speaks Of Endowment: No
Looking For Rebound Relationship: No
Favorite Quote: “Trained by some pretty good women” huh?
Comments: He enjoys the company of women.. hmmmm..
Overall Rating: 2/10

Mike

Quote:
Hi, This is Mike, awfully funny ad there. I guess your newly single and your ready to get back on the horse. I’m the one to call, I’m newly single, It’s time to get back out there again.

Drunk: Couldn’t Tell.
Speaks Of Endowment: y/n
Looking For Rebound Relationship: Yes
Favorite Quote: None.
Comments: none
Overall Rating: 2/10

The Callback

Quote:
Well I’m sure you got a few hundred ads (laughing at the voice message). Let’s see —- No voice message, rockinest ad, one could imagine why you wouldn’t leave a voice message. [Laughs] Puts me in the risky respondent position. I can’t even visualize you without the voice. I’m Jim xxx-xxxx (at this point he sounds like a drunk redneck). I’ve been described by a number of women as being well hung one even said ‘now I know what everyone meant’. I’ve never been one to think of myself particularly as exceptionally endowed, although well enough — But then again I don’t have a lot to compare it too. There’s a lot more to me than that. I hope you’ll give me a call. —- [pause] —- Can I tell you something about my self?? I probably should. —
I’m 51. 6ft 5inches. Long hair, long beard, reviews have been favorable except from the 18 year long partner I’m no longer with …. I guess favorable from her too, just uhhhh… .—[pauses]— in bed… You certainly have my attention, give me a call. I’m babbling at $2 a minute.

Drunk: Yes
Speaks Of Endowment: Yes
Looking For Rebound Relationship: Yes
Favorite Quote: “I’m babbling at $2 a minute” Yes, you are.. Excessively babbling
Comments: see next one cuz he calls back!
Overall Rating: 10/10

Quote:
Jim again, Now that I’ve stopped laughing I realized there’s a couple other things you might want to know. I’m 175-180 lbs, — I should have wrote all this down [laughs] — One would think from what I said before this wasn’t the case, nonetheless, for other reasons, IT’S BEEN QUITE A LONG TIME. I’m definitely ready.

Drunk: Yes
Speaks Of Endowment: Yes
Looking For Rebound Relationship: Yes
Favorite Quote: “IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME”
Comments: Ok.. This guy complained about paying $2 a minute, rambles forever, THEN CALLS BACK @ $2 a minute. This guy gets a 10 in my book and a ‘P’ for persistence.
Overall Rating: 10/10 plus a P for persistence.

Responds to Personal Ad With A Personal Ad

Quote:
Replying to your ad. I’m Robert, 6ft 1″/ short dark hair. Attractive, Nice chest, broad shoulders, attractive, well endowed. Hoping to hear from you soon. If you could email me XXXXXXXX@yahoo.com

Drunk: Couldn’t Tell.
Speaks Of Endowment: Yes
Looking For Rebound Relationship: No
Favorite Quote: None
Comments: This guy sounds like he’s writing his own personal ad.
Overall Rating: 1/10

Pretty Thick

Quote:
This is roger, xxx-xxxx. Read your ad in the weekly. I am a little picky about appearance actually. Probably before we ever meet I’d like to swap pics via email. Call me and we can talk about the details. I’m 6ft 100lbs…… Actually I’m 6′ – 100lbs and have a huge dick –[laughs at himself]–. I’m actually 210lbs, 6ft, and muscular build. I’m 9 inches and pretty thick. I think I meet your qualifications. I’m a nice guy, easy to talk to — fun guy to hang with. If your interested just call.

Drunk: No
Speaks Of Endowment: Yes, A bit too much.
Looking For Rebound Relationship: No
Favorite Quote: “I’m 9″ and pretty thick” pretty thick skull? pretty thick neck?
Comments: This is the only one who actually provided dimensions.. with this much information it may be possible to generate a computer model.
Overall Rating: 4/10

Not Quite Divorced

Quote:
Pretty eccentric message. So I’m looking at your ad here… No doubts your getting lots of responses. It’s a pretty yummy little ad — I’m Daniel, 32yrs old, 6ft 2″ — 175lbs. Nice HARD body, a nice guy in general, pretty good looks I think. As far as being well hung. I’ve been told I have a nice one. I’m definitely not the kind of guy who says it’s the size of the one but the wizard who works it or whatever — size doesn’t matter… So if you want to check me out leave me an email and I’ll leave my email instead of my # simple because —[pauses]—-?? —[still paused]— I see your newly single… Well I’m SUPER newly single. I’m just divorced. I’m definitely looking for some experiences and your ad caught my eye. — No… Let me give you this one XXXXXX@yahoo.com. I’m leaving that because my ex-wife is going to be staying at my house, taking care of my house and my dogs and I’m not quite ready for her to hear any random messages from the personal ads, but I’d love to hear from you. It’s a simple way to get in contact with each other and go from there. We can exchange pics via email, that’s a simple way to see if the attraction is there, the physical is totally important to me — yeah — then we can talk by phone if it goes well. Have fun.

Drunk: Yes
Speaks Of Endowment: Yes
Looking For Rebound Relationship: Yes And Most Likely Married
Favorite Quote: Whatever that shit was about the Wizard was pretty funny.. and oh yeah ‘I’m not quite ready for her to hear any random messages from the personal ads’ can you say MARRIED!
Comments: This guy is SO married… He’s SUPER newly single and his ex-wife will be at his house so DONT call! Don’t call because he’s not ready for her to hear random messages from the personals…. Married.. For Sure.
Overall Rating: 5/10 plus an E for Effort

Man Of High Endurance

Quote:
Hey there, looking for a gelding? — Well, I’m a gelding; I’m a man of high endurance, that’s for sure. My name is XXXXXXXX 6′ 3″, 225-230lbs, blue eyes, brown hair, good looking and the rest is very nice as well. I live here in Eugene. I am a grad student at the U of O. Although I’m hilatiusly busy this week, I’m going to have a lot of free time this spring. I plan on doing a lot of bike riding and surfing and being at the beach and getting a tan and all that good stuff — so, if your interested — Looking at your ad right now — I also like art very much — sooo — (pause)– And I like black dogs — Love the outdoors and I LOVE redheads — So — (pauses) — I’m not a computer geek, there’s no doubt about it. Ummm. .Give me a buzz XXX-XXX-XXX anytime.

Drunk: Couldn’t Tell.
Speaks Of Endowment: Indirectly.
Looking For Rebound Relationship: Possibly
Favorite Quote: “And I like black dogs…” after looking at the ad.. So he doesnt like dogs of other colors?
Comments:
Overall Rating: 2/10

Horsy Ride

Quote:
(This ad starts with some music playing.. Wild, Wild Horses plays for 25-30 seconds). I’m out plowing the back 40 now, but if you’d like to go for a horsey ride call xxx-xxxx and ask for Buckey.

Drunk: No Way
Speaks Of Endowment: No
Looking For Rebound Relationship: No
Favorite Quote: Says.. “Horsy”
Comments: The music was a nicely added touch to this one however; he still only gets a 5 for saying Horsy Ride and expecting to be taken seriously.
Overall Rating: 5/10

Tim

Quote:
Hello my name is Tim. Responding to your ad. I’m 25 years old also newly single and your ad interested me. My phone # is xxx-xxxx and I can usually be reached in the evenings if your interested give me a call. Bye.

Drunk: Yes, Very
Speaks Of Endowment: No
Looking For Rebound Relationship: Possibly
Favorite Quote: None
Comments: Boring Boring Boring
Overall Rating: 1/10

Disclose Nothing!

Quote:
Well that’s a very interesting and unique message. My name is Jeff my # is xxx-xxxx. I read your ad and like to get a bit more information about you and I’d be happy to share a little bit about me. My # is xxx-xxx

Drunk: No
Speaks Of Endowment: No
Looking For Rebound Relationship: No
Favorite Quote: None
Comments: I plead the fifth!
Overall Rating: 1/10

Ben

Quote:
Hi this is Ben, I am a 23 year old, well-fit individual. I am recently out of a relationship myself. I am trim, athletic and very explorative. I’m well hung as well. So if your interest call xxx-xxxx

Drunk: No
Speaks Of Endowment: Yes
Looking For Rebound Relationship: No
Favorite Quote: “Athletic and very explorative”
Comments: Explorative… hmmmmm..
Overall Rating: 1/10

Jeff, Who Doesn’t Answer Personal Ads

Quote:
Hello this is Jeff XXXXXX my number is xxx-xxxxxx (Yes that is the wrong number of numbers for a real phone number.. this guy is trashed). I normally don’t call these kind of personal ads, but I thought I’d respond to this particular one because I pretty much fit all of the criteria that you say. I’m 24, I’m young and experienced at the same time… .Yeah.. I’m your well-hung horse right here. —- I don’t want that to be too bad of a comment — I’m sorry — I usually don’t make these calls but I’ll definitely make it worth your while. My number is xxx-xxx-xxxx (Right number of numbers for a real phone number this time)

Drunk: Yes OMG Yes!
Speaks Of Endowment: Yes
Looking For Rebound Relationship: No
Favorite Quote: “I normally don’t call these kind of personal ads”
Comments: Fits ALL of the criteria.. hehehe
Overall Rating: 7/10

Has No Life After Work

Quote:
Interesting message. Not sure what that meant. My name is Bob. I kind of fit the mold your looking for so ummmm …. give me a call. 6:00 or after I’m ALWAYS here — so — anyway my number is xxx-xxx-xxxx

Drunk: Unknown
Speaks Of Endowment: No
Looking For Rebound Relationship: No
Favorite Quote: “6:00 or after I’m ALWAYS here”
Comments: Never leaves home after 6.. Poor guy, maybe because his responses are so DAMN boring.
Overall Rating: 3/10

Don’t Californicate Oregon!

Quote:
My name is Billy and I am replying to your ad. A little bit about me. I’m 29, I have black hair, blue eyes, good-looking guy. I’m from the San Fran Bay Area. Student of the U of O. So I guess that’s it for now. What I’ll do is leave my number. You more than welcome to give me a call anytime. xxx-xxx-xxxx

Drunk: Unknown
Speaks Of Endowment: No
Looking For Rebound Relationship: No
Favorite Quote: “What I’ll Do Is Leave My Number”… Good idea… I cant wait to prank call.
Comments: None
Overall Rating: 3/10

Likes To Make Horse References

Quote:
Hi, I read your ad in the Eugene Weekly. If you’d like to horse around I know what horsing around is all about — so my number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. If you’d like to play the mare and gelding or stallion thing.. Hey, sounds good to me — anyway, you can call me anytime and I’ll be glad to talk. My name is John.

Drunk: Possibly
Speaks Of Endowment: Not Directly. But yes, indirectly.
Looking For Rebound Relationship: No
Favorite Quote: “If you’d like to play the mare and gelding or stallion thing.”
Comments: John is full of horse references… so many horse references.. I should write a book of sexual horse references after all this.
Overall Rating: 5/10

It’s Easter Morning, I’m Drunk and I can Lick Like A Dog

Quote:
My name is Shawn. It’s the 26th about a quarter past 4 in the morning. Just saw your ad in the Eugene Weekly and Uhhhh……. (long pause) —— not a computer geek —- ummmm ——– I don’t know about a well hung gelding, might be an average pony but ummm —– (long pause) — I got red hair to ———- (long pause) —— Also newly single — ummmmm —–(long pause) —— I like all dogs they don’t have to be black. I’ve been told I can lick like a dog if that does anything for you. I’d like to let you clean my sheath but it’s got to be a give and take kind of thing. I love to spoil (pause) and pamper (pause) and………. (long pause) and serve. My email address is xxxxxxxx@hotmail.com. I’d like to hear from you. We can kinda chat about this a little bit and discuss wants, needs, experiences and go from there. My name is Shawn, 26 years old, hope to hear from you. Have a good day.

Drunk: Yes
Speaks Of Endowment: Yes
Looking For Rebound Relationship: Yes
Favorite Quote: That’s a toss up between “I’ve been told I can lick like a dog…” and “Have a good day”
Comments: Calls Easter morning at 3:45 am… newly single.. poor guy… I was feeling sorry for him with all his modesty until the ‘lick like a dog’ line and the long pause before he says he likes to serve.
Overall Rating: 8/10

Rico, The Artist

Quote:
Hi, My name is Rico. I’m an Afro-Puerto-Rican. I’m a musician, singer, song writer (In other words, cannot pay the bills?). I love the outdoors, I love animals, I have a dog and 2 cats and I’d like to get to know you if that’s possible. My number is xxx-xxxx and I’m usually home after 5.

Drunk: No
Speaks Of Endowment: No
Looking For Rebound Relationship: No
Favorite Quote: “I’m a musician, singer, song writer”, I love hearing that line in a bar.
Comments: Overall pretty boring.. bleh
Overall Rating: 3/10

EASTER MORNING CALLS:

Zack

Quote:
I’m Zack. 5′ 9″, 160lbs muscular build, short brown hair, hazel green eyes, attractive male in south Eugene. Definitely got what you’re looking for. In really good shape. I love to spoil a good-looking girl.. Beautiful woman… Again this is Zack my cell number is xxx-xxx-xxxx

Drunk: No
Speaks Of Endowment: No
Looking For Rebound Relationship: No
Favorite Quote: None
Comments: Boring. Lives in my side of town.. Maybe I’ll google his number and take a pic of his house to make this one more interesting.
Overall Rating: 1/10

Likes to Experiment to See What Comes UP

Quote:
Hi, this is Jonathan, I’m 29 years old, I’m in good athletic muscular shape. I like the outdoors and being active. I am pretty experimental when it comes to sexual endeavors so I like to try a lot of different stuff and just see what comes up. My # is xxx-xxxx

Drunk: No
Speaks Of Endowment: No
Looking For Rebound Relationship: No
Favorite Quote: I am pretty experimental …..I like to try a lot of different stuff and just see what comes up
Comments: That whole see ‘what comes up’ line is too much.. I don’t even think he realized what he was saying. However being that experimental who knows?
Overall Rating: 8/10

Denny, The Man

Quote:
Hi, I’m your hung horse!? My name is Denny, I’m very tall and I have HUGE hands that like to slowly caress a woman’s body until she moans and shutters in pleasure. I’m not a gelding, a gelding is a castrated stallion, I’m not castrated, but I AM a stallion — and you can ride this stallion to the moon if you’d like. I’m very well endowed and I can last as long as you want me to. I’m looking for a playmate and a partner in pleasure and passion. My number is xxx-xxxx

Drunk: No
Speaks Of Endowment: Yes
Looking For Rebound Relationship: No
Favorite Quote: “You can ride this stallion to the moon”
Comments: This guy gets a nine, just because of the tone of his voice, which can’t be conveyed here. He was on it. I swear he had this written down and it just rolled off his tongue.. Hell I may call him back myself.
Overall Rating: 9/10

VOTE FOR THE RESPONDENT THE EX SHOULD BE SETUP WITH HERE:
–Link Expired—

Next Time…. Actress calls respondents back.
Coming Soon.. Email Exchanges with respondents.
After That… The next ad… Denny gets his own personal ad.

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